Open your heart and Welcome what is

Welcome, old friends and new: How are you doing with the smiling and breathing?  Ready to add two more tension reducers to your repertoire?

Smiling and breathing are both focuses in yoga, and so is this next stress reducer: open your heart. Notice how often you sit scrunched over, shoulders up, arms over your chest as if protecting yourself. Your heart and lungs are boxed in a tight space. What happens when you consciously lower your shoulders and rest your arms at your side? All of a sudden you’ve given your heart and lungs some room. Not only are you standing up straighter, or sitting straighter, you look more confident, your internal organs can function more easily, and that’s not all: you have opened your heart. What we do physically, we do emotionally, as well.

Opening our hearts allows flow. When our hearts are closed — as in hard-hearted — nothing old and useless can get out, and nothing new and refreshing can get in. Now this works just like “opening the house.” It was cool enough here (in North Carolina) last week that I actually got to open the windows and let the fresh air in. Sometimes, when you do that, you get a mosquito or a wasp along with the breeze. Sometimes, when you open your heart, you get some negativity along with the different air. Oh, well. Open your heart anyhow. We all breathe too much recycled air, too much regurgitated misery, too much stale opinion, and too much ancient, childish emotion. We need hearts that are open to receive the present — it really is a present and a gift, after all.

Suggestion number four for reducing tension is borrowed from centering prayer: welcome what is. This dovetails so nicely with opening our hearts. Not everything we see and experience when we open our hearts will be what we wanted, expected, planned on, or prefer. But it will be what is. This is explained in a Buddhist teaching story where the roof of a man’s house blows off. After struggling with being a “victim,” he finally gets to the point where he says, “Now that the roof is gone, I can see the moon so much better.”

I have talked about my Aunt Kitty many times because she was such an inspiration to me. In her early fifties, she was struck by a car and became a quadriplegic. She spent the first two years after the accident begging God for the use of her hands. Nothing changed. Finally, courageously, she decided she had to accept what was. She then taught herself a way to type and wrote stories and inspirational articles for the local paper. The miracles seem to happen when we are in a state of acceptance. Our resistance and all the negativity that accompanies resistance –anger, self-pity, resentment — seems to block anything positive from flowing.

So, lets focus on smiling, breathing, opening our hearts and accepting what is. These things put us in a positive frame of mind, reduce our tightness and tension, and prepare us for some of the healing work of recovery. We’re plowing the earth so we can plant the seeds for the garden of co-creation.

Catch yourself doing and saying some self-loyal things this week. Make it peaceful in your world!

Feel my support, care and concern, Susan


September 17, 2017 at 9:10 AM Leave a comment

Two Quick Tension Reducers

Hi friends.

Two quick ways to reduce tension: smile and breathe. Sound too simple to be true? I assure you, you will notice a difference immediately.

ALL survivors of trauma carry in their bodies a hot mess of tension. They are overly prone to all the diseases provoked by stress: heart problems, high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, headaches, gastro-intestinal issues, joint pain, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, auto-immune disorders — the list goes on and on. People who suffer from depression and anxiety are equally burdened by stress and tension.

Tense up your body on purpose. Clench your fists and your jaw. Generate as much muscle tightness as possible throughout your body. Now, smile. You cannot maintain the tension AND smile at the same time. (That thing where your lips turned up at the corners was not a smile.) No need to smile at anyone or anything, although that is always nice. Just smile. A hundred times a day would be a good start.

Breathing is another quick way to reduce tension. Trauma, anxiety and depression all take our breath away, literally. We breathe from our noses or our throats instead of our belly or diaphragm. Imagine how awful a singer would sound breathing from her nose or throat — there’d be no air for the notes of the song to float on. There is no air inside you, either, for you to float on. Put your hands on your belly and inhale. Push your belly into your hands as your insides fill with air. Now exhale. Slowly. Push your belly button back against your spine. Does that feel like what you do most of the time? Taking deep breaths is the number one thing you can do to avert a panic attack. The first thing we do when we enter this world is breathe. The last thing we do when we leave this world is take a final breath. How sad that we forget to breathe in-between

Smile and breathe. It’s a great beginning to living with less tension in your body. Next weekend we’re going to move from simple physical solutions to two techniques that combine physical and emotional stress reduction. Before we can move on to other ideas for healing from trauma (and anxiety and depression — I call them the Bermuda triangle — they’re a trap!) we have to release you from the HIGH ALERT your body has functioned on for years. That requires getting unstuck from the tension and stress which have unfortunately become normal for you. We’re here, working together, to create a kinder, gentler NEW NORMAL. Watch for next weekend’s post on opening the heart and welcoming what is.

Prayers and blessings as we journey toward peace – Susan

If you have things you’d like to talk about or have me write about, please leave suggestions.

(We are so sorry for the long absence here on the website. We have been battling health concerns and continue to do so. We deeply appreciate the prayers for Tony, his wife, and his family during this medical crisis.)


September 10, 2017 at 9:43 AM 1 comment

Are you sad, depressed, overwhelmed, or grieving? Does depression have a grip on your life? invites you to come to our website and read, download, or share or newly released 72-page e-book and study guide: The Many Faces of Depression.

Your e-mail will not be stored or sold or used. We are offering free, unconditional support to our brothers and sisters suffering with depression. Hard to believe, we understand, but our mission is that the ideas and suggestions in The Many Faces of Depression find their way into the hands and hearts of people who need them. It’s that simple.


This is a no-strings attached, sincere love offering to you and yours from

October 3, 2016 at 7:15 AM Leave a comment

News about the blog

Hello dear friends and readers. I am sure you have noticed that after a year and a half of weekly posts, nothing has been posted since February 14, 2016. There is a reason for this, and it is not a happy reason. Susan writes the blog, and then Tony turns her writing into a lovely blog post with “special effects,” pictures, and his technological expertise.

Tony is experiencing some very significant health problems and is temporarily unable to participate in getting the blog off the ground. Tony and I feel sure that this is not a permanent thing. We welcome your prayers for Tony and his devoted wife, Sylvia, as they circle the wagons and work toward Tony’s restored health. Tony’s faith is strong and true and he does not ask that these health burdens be lifted from him but only that he be given the grace to withstand them and the stamina to work his way back to full participation in life.

Tony and I consider it a blessing and a pleasure to create and present this blog, and it is our sincere hope that we will have more offerings for you in the very near future. Thank you for being our dear friends and readers — Blessings and peace to each of you, Susan



March 7, 2016 at 6:53 PM 2 comments

Attributes of Sage II

Blog for February 14

We are in trouble if we are striving for wisdom! A wise woman or man – what the ancient Chinese called a sage – is instructed to avoid extremes. And what world do we live in? We definitely live in a world of extremes.

Our food gets supersized and our technology gets smaller and lighter. Our cars no longer go fast enough to get us from point A to point B. Instead, they go more than a hundred miles an hour. Who needs to go a hundred miles an hour? People who are extremely busy and extremely bored might think they need to go a hundred miles an hour.


Horseshoes and croquet are laughable sports. Triathlons and snowboarding are common and respected sports. We do not just boat and sail; we go white water rafting. We do not just fly airplanes; we jump out of them. I remember Judith Viorst writing that boys, three of whom she raised, often think, “Why do it plain when I could do it fancy.” She was observing, thirty years ago, that boys seem to like to take chances and try new ways of climbing trees and riding bicycles. Well, that was then. Now boys and girls seem to believe if it is worth doing, it is worth doing dangerously and with foolhardy abandon.


People no longer have affairs. They have threesomes and “swing” as a way of life. People do not take drugs because they need them for pain relief – they take drugs because they want them for the thrill of the high or the trip.


Every politician wants to lower taxes drastically while increasing the standard of living. Donald Trump says climate change is a “hoax.” I wonder who he thinks is perpetrating the hoax? And what exactly are they trying to accomplish? It is someone with a strong dislike for polar bears, trying to melt glaciers so the polar bears have nowhere to live? Very curious. Another rather “extreme” belief Donald Trump has is that half of all undocumented residents in America are criminals. How would he know that? Are they criminals because they are in jail?  I do not think the math would support that theory. And, if they are criminals who are not in jail, exactly how do we know they are criminals? Donald Trump has formed extreme opinions extremely unsubstantiated by verifiable data. I think we could call this extreme illogic.


Extreme religious sects are another startling example of the extreme times in which we live. We have all heard about the Unification Church, the Ku Klux Klan, the Branch Davidians and other apocalyptic doomsday cults, culminating in the People’s Temple where 900 people drank poison-laced Kool Aid. We could conclude that religions which preach doomsday fear mongering, exclude entire segments of the population based on skin color or “their” beliefs, or demand suicide from their followers are “extreme” and extremely dangerous. Deadly, even.


We have extreme economic polarity in this world, too, and it exists in the United States. Did you know 1.5 million Americans live on less than $2.00 a day? That means they have about $730.00 a year to spend. If all they did was eat, and they had no living expenses, they could spend about $60.00 a month on food. As we know from the yearly lists of billionaires, seven of the ten richest people in the world are Americans. Even below the billionaire standard of living, we have a portion of the population who enjoy an extremely lucrative lifestyle. Extremes.

As a therapist, the extremes that I see every day are the extremes of entitlement, emotional pain and mistreatment by others.

Entitlement is a word that did not even exist when I was growing up. Now, it is rampant. I suspect that without even thinking about it, you can name ten entitled people you know. If not, go on Facebook and read a few posts.


Emotional pain also seems to be coming in more extreme cases than ever before. I do not want to freak you out by telling you some of the things people do to themselves when they are in pain. Most of us have heard about “cutting” but that is just the tip of the iceberg. Too many friends and neighbors are immobilized with pain. People live silent lives of extreme desperation.

And the extreme mistreatment of human by human is appalling. I know this is a radical and extreme idea on my part, but if we disagree with someone, we can always simply walk away. Fighting, whether verbal or physical or emotional is entirely unnecessary. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we can slow down and pull back. Why has confrontation become the norm? What is wrong with using compassion instead of control?

Well, I am sure I have more than made my point. We live in extreme times that make it difficult to respond with moderation and mercy. Moreover, perhaps the more important concept here is to understand why a sage or a wise person would avoid extremes.

Extremes always indicate competition. Extremes always indicate dissatisfaction with the status quo. Extremes always reveal a desire to be better than someone else, stronger, smarter, faster, sleeker, sexier, better dressed (as determined by the people who will get rich from the money spent on following fashion trends), drinking finer vodka (which happens to be more expensive), driving finer automobiles (which happen to cost more and make someone rich). Side note: do you suppose the Ford factory worker who puts the bolts in the Focus gets the same pay as the Ford factory worker who puts the bolts in the Mustang GX? Yeah. I doubt the assembly line worker is the one getting rich.


Money, greed, competition, control, power, influence, radicalism, fear-mongering, bullying, rigidity, severity, drastic measures all lead to extremes in socio-economic terms, behavior and attitudes.


The opposite of an extreme is moderation. People who do not engage in extreme behavior are contended with the middle of the road, the modest, the average, the good. Perfection is the enemy of good. Extreme is the enemy of good enough.

The sage avoids extremes. People with anxiety often take fear to the extreme. People with depression have taken sadness to the extreme. People with PTSD  often take control to the extreme. When we take things to the extreme, we lose control instead of using self-discipline and discernment. Extremes are a way to prove our specialness. The sage is contented being ordinary, and it is in her very contentment that she becomes extraordinary.

“Know that enough is enough, and you’ll always have enough.”


Tony and Susan are wishing for each of us the wisdom of the sage who knows that enough is enough.


Coming soon: The Many Faces of Depression – an interactive workbook and study guide for our brothers and sisters suffering from depression.

Prayer Page:

Please leave your prayers and concerns at link below:

Supporting Scripture:

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)

“For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul, and the one greedy for gain curses and renounces the Lord.” Psalm 10:3 (ESV)

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” 1 John 2:15-17 (ESV)

“or although there may be so-called gods in heaven or on earth—as indeed there are many “gods” and many “lords”— yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist.” 1 Corinthians 8:5-6 (ESV)

“When you reap your harvest in your field and forget a sheaf in the field, you shall not go back to get it. It shall be for the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.” Deuteronomy 24:19 (ESV)

 More support is yours at the following websites:







February 12, 2016 at 6:56 PM Leave a comment

Attributes of Sage

Attributes of Sage

“If you try to grab hold of the world

And do what you want with it,

You won’t succeed.

The world is a vessel for spirit, and

It wasn’t meant to be manipulated.

Tamper with it, and you’ll spoil it.

Hold it, and you’ll lose it.

With Tao, sometimes you move ahead,

And sometimes you stay back.

Sometimes you work hard,

And sometimes you rest.

Sometimes you’re strong,

And sometimes you’re weak.

Sometimes you’re up,

Sometimes you’re down.

The sage remains sensitive.

Avoiding extremes,

Avoiding extravagance,

Avoiding excess.

–Lao Tzu — @ 600 B.C.

During February, we are going to look at this deceptively simple Chinese prescription for being a sage, who is a wise woman or man, one who inspires others by living in authenticity and truth: remain sensitive, avoid extremes, avoid extravagance, and avoid excess.

Why are we doing this strange thing, you might ask. Because when I read these words, the thought came to me: “Well, there’s the blog for February.” And, so, here’s the blog for February.

We begin with the word “sensitive,” a word which I bet has been used to describe each of us: YOU ARE SO SENSITIVE. This accusation is usually flung at those of us who are labeled TOO sensitive by someone who, in our opinion, is not being sensitive enough or perhaps not being sensitive at all.


Iwager almost every one of us reading this blog has been told we are too sensitive. What that means, usually, is that someone has just hurt our feelings and instead of apologizing for it, blames us for being TOO sensitive. “You shouldn’t have your feelings hurt because I said you were fat or lazy or stupid. It’s just The Truth.” You see, people can get away with saying rude and cruel things if they can simply blame the innocent party instead of taking responsibility.


Who is, actually, too sensitive? If you upset me who is to say I’m too sensitive rather than you being too insensitive? Here’s the difference. People who are sensitive are too kind and caring to blame insensitive people for being insensitive. People who are insensitive, are more than willing to blame sensitive people for being too sensitive. The nice guy takes the fall.


Being sensitive means to be emotionally aware, to read the feelings of others, to sense the tone of a room, to respond empathically, to perceive nuances, and to react creatively, which is to say beyond the black and white of a situation.

Sensitive people are rarely black and white thinkers or feelers. Sensitive people do not make you wrong to make themselves right. Sensitive people are able to listen to opposing or different or previously unknown viewpoints and try to incorporate aspects of those viewpoints into their reality.


Iam a Christian, for example, but I am a sensitive person. If you are a Buddhist or a Muslim or a Taoist, I will listen to you and find what we have in common, instead of what we are saying differently. If you use the word “spirit” or “creator” instead of the word “God,” which is probably the word I would use, we may still be saying the same thing but using different language. Instead of describing a “sage,” as Lao Tzu does in our poem, a Christian might describe a saint or a prophet or a good person. A good person will remain sensitive.


Agood person will “do onto others as he or she would have others do onto him or her.” A good person will feed the hungry, clothe the naked and tend to the poor. A good person will be “The Good Samaritan.” A good person will remain sensitive when the world is trying to harden and divide us one from another.

We must remain sensitive whether we say we believe in God or not. We must remain sensitive to our carbon footprint and the endangered species and the impoverished children and the lonely elderly who are sitting forgotten in their  rooms eating cat food.

Asensitive person is never untouched by the misery or pain of another. If I can watch you go hungry or slowly die of loneliness or a broken heart and do nothing to help you, I am a fool. Remember the song, “What kind of fool am I?”


What kind of fool am I who never fell in love, it seems that I’m the only one that I have been thinking of. What kind of man is this, an               empty shell, a lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell.

"There but for the Grace of God go I.” As John Dunne so eloquently said: “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”    What happens to the least of these, happens to me, also.

We must remain sensitive, or we humans will not remain. It is that simple and that profound. “The world is a vessel for spirit.” The world offers us a way to proclaim our humanity and our place in the family of man.


Peace and blessings to each of us as we nurture our sensitive selves in the service of all life on this beautiful planet – Susan and Tony


Prayer Page:

Please leave your prayers and concerns at link below:

Supporting Scripture:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)

“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.” Romans 8:5 (ESV)

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? ” Matthew 16:24-26 (ESV)

“And from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them.” Acts 20:30 (ESV)

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” Matthew 7:1-4 (ESV)


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February 5, 2016 at 9:49 PM Leave a comment

Culture of Fear V

Overstimulation is a fifth way we Americans play into the hands of the terrorists. We love stimulation. We are addicted to stimulation. It is through the stimulation of social media that the terrorists recruit. In addition, what do they promise in their recruitment propaganda? Stimulation.


Stimulation is the response an individual has to external stimuli. An emergency room is very overstimulating to most people, as would be riding a fire engine to a fire call or sitting in the back seat of a police call zooming down the road with its lights flashing and sirens blaring. When we are engaged or overwhelmed by too many different sensations at the same time, we are over-stimulated.


I do not know how many of you play video games. My grandson does and likes me to watch him as he shoots things out of the sky or jumps over pits or averts disaster after disaster. Because he plays video games, he can react quickly enough to be successful at the games and has the endurance of a rhinoceros. I can watch for less than a minute and my eyes are crossing and my head spinning. We build up our stimulation muscle, just as we build our abs – exercise.


We live in a well-muscled society, and our stimulation muscles are no exception. The more stimulation we get, the more stimulation we want. Soldiers often have trouble leaving the intense stimulation of war. Firemen and policemen have difficulty retiring because everything seems boring and blasé without the sirens and lights and daily near-death experiences.


These fast-paced professions used to be the exception in life. Technology has changed all that. Now, thanks to cell phones that bring us calls and messages instantly, husbands and wives can contact each other every minute of the day. As a therapist, I cannot tell you how much anger I have heard over someone not being available at his or her spouse’s beck and call 24/7/365. Phones ding all over the world when someone on Facebook posts a new selfie. A separate ding announces our Friends have finished a new Word. Some other identifiable sound proclaims the person with whom we are engaged in a battle of worlds or wits has made a move. We know everything instantaneously.


Perhaps you have had the absolute pleasure of being the designated driver at some point in your life. You watch in amazement as people lose their inhibitions and get testy, flirty, and generally inappropriate. I was only the designated driver once but I learned more dirt on that group of friends than I ever have in a few hours. (That is saying something for a therapist.) Well, I have similar experiences when I am in a group of people now, almost any group of people, because I am not (yet) addicted to my phone. Even in McDonald’s or the doctor’s office or this morning in yoga class – people feel the need to answer every vibration and beep. I am sure every American would say they would never be a slave, but technology has transformed many of us into slaves. We are slaves to technology. The result is that we are all over-stimulated.


Stimulation is what comes at us from outside. There is a test in psychology, which identifies “victims.” There is actually a “victim” personality. This personality operates from an external locus of control. Victims are those people who allow themselves to be controlled from the outside. Healthy people use an internal locus of control. They control themselves instead of allowing outside forces to control them. Is it clear why I say overstimulation is the fifth factor that sets us up to be the victims of terrorists?


We as a culture are losing so much. We are losing touch with nature, each other and ourselves. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone who did not have a cell phone in his or her hand, at his or her elbow, or somewhere close so they could see who sent every vibration and beep? Moreover, speaking of being out of touch with nature, I read that when there is a full moon these days people rush to their computers to see pictures of the moon. Um . . . the moon is outside, up in the sky. If we go outside, we also get to take sips of the night air and check on the Big Dipper. Nevertheless, no. We look at the moon on the computer.


Losing touch with ourselves is a terrible loss, as well. I love to meditate, thanks to Christine McCorkle who introduced me to meditation a number of years ago. Meditation is a well-known and deeply respected non-medication prescription for anxiety. Meditation is a tried and true path to spiritual awareness and self-knowledge. When I work with clients who are anxious or confused about their emotions or what decisions to make, I often suggest meditation.


First, I have to explain it. Then I hear how impossible it is. Sometimes I can make someone laugh aloud if he or she asks me how long I sit in silence, and I tell him or her I like to sit for an hour at a time. That answer often causes bellowing. Now my one daughter-in-law has described me as “odd” for so long that I am coming to embrace it. Let me tell you how odd I am.

I have become the exception in life. I live in quiet. I don’t watch television, I don’t have music blaring all day, I don’t listen to the radio when I drive,  and I miss more cell phone calls than I answer because my cell phone and I often get separated. I have never played a video game, I only went on a rollercoaster to stop people from calling me chicken, and if I never have another surge of adrenalin in my whole life, I will be contented.


The opposite of overstimulation is peace. Peace is a state of mind and heart as well as an awareness of the perils of stimulation. I feel sorry for terrorists because of the misfits and trauma victims they all are and the misinformation and lack of knowledge they have absorbed. Who in their right mind can think that you do God any favors by killing one of God’s children? Who could believe in a God like that? “God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son.” John, the writer of the Gospel, does not say God so loved some parts of the world. God so loved THE WORLD. God did not love Iraq or purple people or short people or Americans. God so loved the world.


We, the inhabitants of the world, share a very small planet for a very short period of time. Until we realize that we are all in this together . . . we are all doomed. Staying overstimulated to avoid the truth is not going to help. Living in fear, isolation and smugness and being irresponsible and overstimulated is not going to promote peace. These are some of the most dangerous ingredients of war, evil and destruction.

Peace is possible, but we must “Let It Begin With Me,” as the song says.


Peace to each of you, our friends, from Susan and Tony.


I bet you cannot guess what we are going to talk about in February. Also, I have not said it for a long time, but if you would like to suggest a topic, please do. Email or respond to the blog post with ideas.

Neither have I mentioned for a long time that I offer phone consults if you have private matters you would like to discuss. $50. an hour. Email and we will find a mutually convenient time. (Susan is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.)

Prayer Page:

Please leave your prayers and concerns at link below:

Supporting Scripture:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God..” John 3:16-18 (ESV)

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16 (ESV)

“Moses said to the people, “Do not fear.” Exodus 20:20 (ESV)

“But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 1:20 (ESV)

“But Jesus came and touched them, saying, “Rise, and have no fear.” Matthew 17:7 (ESV)

 More support is yours at the following websites:




January 30, 2016 at 5:41 AM Leave a comment

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